Winds of Change

I wanted to get an earlier start today. I always have so many things to write about but it never seems to amount to anything. I have a thousand thoughts hitting me as I wake up in the morning. I think angry thoughts about people and life and really have to step back and resist that. That’s the habitual old thinking that comes back to me every so often and it really limits me.

I am working on my awareness of myself and those around me. I dare say that awareness doesn’t always lead to satisfactory conclusions. As you reach a certain level of this awareness you can see the unhealthiness of some of your familial relationships. People you have known all your life begin to ‘show’ themselves to you. In most of these situations it is clearly evident that their love, at times, is reliant on what I can do for them emotionally. I have become the guardian of their feelings. For example, if I would make a comment that might make one of them uncomfortable or say something that they don’t agree with my viewpoint is quickly dismissed. They will respond in anger and vilify my whole way of thinking just because they feel threatened by my words.

I am the youngest of five and the second sibling with muscular dystrophy. My brother passed away several years ago. My parents didn’t talk to me about disability, they basically let me just figure it out. What message could I glean from that other than ‘don’t talk about it’? So, as a child, you learn very quickly about what not to say. I remember when I was a kid and faced with awkward social situations (which was undoubtedly quite often) my mother used to say, “Just be yourself”, but it seems that every time I was ‘myself’ I made people upset and found myself in trouble. So that motherly advice eventually faded into obscurity.

I used to think that the reason why I couldn’t talk about my physical difficulties was because they all were trying to protect my feelings. In retrospect I suddenly realized that their methods were designed to protect themselves. My feelings surrounding my fears with my own disability brought up feelings of their own guilt and shame and their inability to face them. I would be told not to feel sorry for myself, stop crying about it and the most effective comment, “Don’t be such a coward.”

Over time you slowly develop a deep seated denial that is impenetrable. You begin to doubt every thought and emotion you have because other people’s thoughts and feelings take priority.

Here I am and as an adult I am just beginning to shed all of that crap. I say what I want and I’m not usually concerned about anybody’s opinion. In essence I am changing, my thoughts are changing and my behavior is changing. There’s a catch though, it seems as though when it is becoming clear to everyone of my intentions to be different they unwittingly try to bring me back to my old behaviors. They want me to argue with them, apologize to them and explain everything I do, to them. In my weaker moments I comply and feel terrible afterwards.

Ultimately I don’t need to convince anyone of anything, I don’t have to explain myself and I definitely won’t apologize when I am not wrong. I naively assumed that when I changed, everyone else would change. That didn’t happen. Instead I am noticing who everyone really is and how they interact with me; I have become a keen observer of these humans in my life. I see some tough choices coming up, the rose colored glasses have slipped from my face and all is apparent.

I am very fortunate to have a wife and two sons who accept me in any form I may appear in. The only three people on the planet who I answer to.