My continuing quest to eat again.
"We all long for Eden, and we are constantly glimpsing it: our whole nature...is still soaked with the sense of exile." JRR Tolkien
Friday, January 27, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Eating
I had my PEG tube replaced today. Minimal pain but disconcerting to say the least. I shouldn't complain about things that keep me alive but I have realized that eating food is sometimes the difference between living and existing. I am following through with my effort to eat again. So far, so good.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
New year, New start.
I’ve been awake since 1:30 this AM. It wasn’t really a bad thing just happens from time to time. For me the stillness in that hour allows me to meditate on things in my life that need attention or change. Without all of the daytime distractions I come up with some viable solutions and insight into my life as a whole. How I deal with difficult relationships, muscular dystrophy and everything that comes along with it and issues with my sons.
The thoughts that came in the forefront of this episode of insomnia was the way I squander my time. I tend to procrastinate and waste time quite often playing computer games and such. Needless to say, I don’t feel I have the luxury of time to waste. I set a goal for myself to organize my time better. Another big issue is the fact that I’m on tube-feeding and pretty much gave up on the possibility of eating again. I based that assumption on ‘medical professional’s’ that have tried to help me to eat telling me that I might choke to death and much to my detriment I believed them. But I’ve since taken a different viewpoint and believe now that I may have given up too soon. I decided to make one more attempt at eating solid food before the end of 2012, on my own. I won’t get hung up on deadlines, time frames or expectations of my attempt.
So these are the top 2 of my goals or new year’s resolutions, if you will; my success or failure in my plans will depend largely on my belief that I can or can’t accomplish them. I believe they are attainable.
The thoughts that came in the forefront of this episode of insomnia was the way I squander my time. I tend to procrastinate and waste time quite often playing computer games and such. Needless to say, I don’t feel I have the luxury of time to waste. I set a goal for myself to organize my time better. Another big issue is the fact that I’m on tube-feeding and pretty much gave up on the possibility of eating again. I based that assumption on ‘medical professional’s’ that have tried to help me to eat telling me that I might choke to death and much to my detriment I believed them. But I’ve since taken a different viewpoint and believe now that I may have given up too soon. I decided to make one more attempt at eating solid food before the end of 2012, on my own. I won’t get hung up on deadlines, time frames or expectations of my attempt.
So these are the top 2 of my goals or new year’s resolutions, if you will; my success or failure in my plans will depend largely on my belief that I can or can’t accomplish them. I believe they are attainable.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Bad Human
I almost killed one of my cats last night, not purposely of course. Headed back to get to bed I stopped for a second not knowing that ‘Gandy’, short for ‘Gandalf’, crawled under my power chair (which weighs a couple hundred pounds) from behind and positioned himself precariously in front of my wheel. I started forward and all hell broke loose. Gandy cried and screamed I panicked and just went forward over the bump which was the cat. He flew out of the room with my wife chasing after. When I turned around the only thing I could see was a large clump of orange fur laying on the carpet. Everyone woke up in the house from all the mayhem that ensued. Once they checked out his little leg and he stopped limping we went to bed. All the while thinking how I could have crushed him in some really horrible way.
This morning when I came out for my morning coffee he caught one glimpse of me and bolted out and into the basement. We got him back up and I swear he was giving me hateful looks. When he would pass me he took a convoluted path as far away from me as he could get. The rest of the day my wife kept repeating, “your FATHER ran over the cat, that’s why he’s hiding in the basement today.” To emphasize it later she said (half serious), “You ruined our cat.” At this time I felt bad enough didn’t need the further shame and guilt. So Gandalf hates me now but I know for sure he’ll never go under my chair again. Live and learn.
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